Coachella is a music and arts festival in the Coachella Valley of California, and is quickly becoming known as one of the most fashion obsessed embodiments of everything that’s wrong with the western world.
It’s a place that will bleed your parents trust fund dry, promotes pre-festival twitter handles like #coachelladiet and #coachellastyle and even encourages some to take to youtube, preaching what to wear and how to apply the perfect glittery Bindi spot… like this down to earth bunch:
It’s also a place where image conscious celebrities like Joe Jonas (part of Disney’s skidmark the Jonas Brothers), Glee star Lea Michele and socialite and full time daddy scrounger Paris Hilton are all paid unfathomable amounts of money from clothing brands to don their latest glad rags and saunter about with a $50 ‘fro yo’ looking cool.
This year, there has been a very special request from 56 year old Gordon (or ‘Gordie’ as he likes to call himself). Who has taken to craigslist with some very specific requirements in search of his perfect Coachella victim companion.
Instead of a friendly and approachable photo of himself, Gordie has opted for a bleak image of his serial killer inspired camper, the inside of which may be the last thing the lucky winner will ever see.
In exchange for a free VIP weekend pass and the chance to be slowly murdered and worn like a dress you will need to meet a 20-strong criteria list, which includes keeping your feet and hands properly moisturised at all times, periodic moments of extended eye contact and allowing Gordie to smell brush your hair once a day.
All toenail clipping, eyebrow plucking, and lipstick application must be accompanied by a grunting Gordie and his blurred fist, and all fraternising with other male festival goers is strictly prohibited.
The list seems to encompass the archetypal Coachella-goer to perfection, and offers the average joe the chance to rub shoulders with some b-list celebrities at one of Coachella’s infamous and very exclusive pool parties, all without an awkward 5 minutes with one of the promotors round the back of the portaloos before hand.
May this list be a warning to all those thinking about heading into the Indio Dessert this summer. You’d better grow some eyes in the back of your head… Gordie’s watching.